"The thing is, if you just do stuff, and nothing happens, what's it all mean?"

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

The Lighter Side of Darkness #1: It's the Finale Countdown

What, there's just like one "e" difference between Finale and Final...I can make this pun if I want. Whatever, Arrested Development a great show too!

Time for the prattle-party. So, those unseen faces over at the AMC website have recently added a list of "10 Ways to Get Ready for the Breaking Bad Season Finale." 

The list just doesn't cut it. No serious thought. It's not supposed to cut it. But, as I say with cheese, somebody's gotta try to cut it.

So, here's my personal top ten ways in which joe-or-jane-tv-watcher can prepare themselves for the final episode. I can't guarantee this to be either "serious" or "thought." But, it's something... 

10. Climb the highest mountain you can find before Sunday. Get to the top, stare down at both the earth and heavens and say, "well, glad I got this out the way, because everything is going to pale after the Breaking Bad finale."

9. Confront the abyss within yourself. I mean, do whatever it takes to have the most scathing, symbolic, ecstatically bleak, and dark moments of existential introspection you can experience. After finally seeing the core nothingness in yourself, say, "well, glad I had this prelude, so I can ease myself into the catharsis I'll experience by watching 'Felina;' this Sunday on AMC."

8. Find Bryan Cranston and befriend him. Have him reveal his deepest darkest secret. It needs to be something really twisted, like covered up fratricide or something. Have him weep and let you know that you are the first person he's revealed that to. Look him in his water-logged eyes and say, "Thankfully we had this moment...because I'm not sure if I could ever look you in the eyes again, depending on what goes down in the last episode of Breaking Bad."

7. Stay away from Vince Gilligan.

6. Read Ulysses, Remembrance of Things Past, Gravity's Rainbow, and Infinite Jest. Even though you really only have the time to power read, make sure you digest the content and subtext. Really get the zeitgeist. Then write in the marginalia, "So glad I got these chores finished, before BrBa finalizes its ascendancy as the most thorough and exhilarating examination of the human condition ever conceived."

5. Listen to Beethoven's Fifth Symphony for the first time (make sure you have really high-end cushioned head-phones). Sit in a leather arm-chair, and close your eyes. Really go through the motions. After the last note, gayly sing, "Now it's time for Dave Porter's score to really, blow my mind!"

 4. Visit the graves of Hitchcock, Kurosawa, Leone, Ford, and Tarantino (...okay, you may have to interact with a living Tarantino). Get really nice flowers, to help pay celestial tribute to their aesthetic accomplishments. Knell next to each grave ( know what, just stay away from Tarantino) and whisper, "Great show, and I know you gave it your all; but Michelle MacLaren might just out-do you, sorry bro."

3. Make sure to get caught up on all the recent episodes of Breaking Bad's almost entirely superfluous re-cap series "Talking Bad." Really get into them. Twitter Chris Hardwick the following question... #Why

2. Find your soul-mate, and--using skills obtained through humbled study of every available text of the Kama Sutra--make tantric love. Wait til the synchronous energy levels have gotten to a point where the sensual samsara sheds into a glimpse at nirvana. Look into each-others eyes, and climax into a state of complete wisdom/compassion intertwining. After what seems like a breathless eternity (it's like, maybe early Sunday after-noon at this point), roll over to this lover and pillow-talk, "To be honest, that was just swell; but I feel bad that I'll soon have to always compare this to whatever monumental geekgasm I have during the last 75 minutes of Breaking Bad bliss."

1. Prank Call Nick Bacon and blame him for being the one that set me loose on this show. Oh, "It could never be as good as The Shield," I say. "Naw man, craziest show ever made," he says. "Hmmmrupf...we'll see," I scoffed. How ignorant we always are.

And Don't forget to have a nice, tasty beverage. I'd recommend Schraderbrau; Wendy would recommend Root Beer. Or, just do some of that crystal blue persuasion. 

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